When visiting a new water park, remember to bring your own sunscreen, snacks, towels, and bolt cutters. Don’t forget the bolt cutters. Obey all the rules, except, of course, when you shouldn’t. Avoid jellied eel because, well, it’s jellied eel. Raisins in place of chocolate chips are a sure sign of villainy. And always read contracts before signing them…

If paintings mysteriously change without warning, objects go missing in the night, and you and your twin have the same creepy little blond girl appearing in your dreams, it’s highly likely the spa you’re visiting is being run by vampires. Consider investing in garlic and also marshmallow fluff. Both will be more useful than you think.

S’mores are delicious, but sitting next to other children holding flaming hot molten marshmallow sticks in front of open flame is a recipe for disaster. Not as horrible a recipe as whatever is waiting for you in the buffet line, though. Stay at home and make your own food. If camp can’t be avoided, though, don’t forget your special sunglasses to protect your brain. “Don’t you mean protect your eyes?” you ask. No. We mean your brain.

When traversing an unknown sea cave trying to beat the rising tide, don’t. DON’T. Just don’t do any of that! Don’t go in sea caves! Avoid all tides! Stay inside and play a board game. But if that’s not an option, be sure to pay attention in all your science classes. You never know when some key information will lead you in the right direction. (Which, again, should never be the direction of the treacherous sea cave.)

If you find yourself locked in a house that doesn’t technically exist, watched over by an aunt bound by otherworldly rules, with everyone you love in peril while you’re safe and stuck, remember: you’re brave, and you’re cautious, and you’re clever. You’ve got this. And if you haven’t got this, well, at least there’s unlimited ice cream? Ice cream is a perfect first step to coming up with a brilliant plan. But remember: no matter how delicious, no matter how perfect, no matter how you’ve longed for them, don’t trust surprise churros…